Zombie Status.

Well, if you know anything about running and/or follow me on Twitter, you know this morning was the Disney Princess 1/2 Marathon. I won't go into great detail, but I volunteered, was there at 3 am and was up for over 24 hours. When I got home, I slept for about 2 1/2 hours before my neighbors woke me up. Soooo, I'm still extremely tired and not in the best of moods, but I am glad I was at the Princess 1/2! I loved being there.

In other news, any pain I relieved in my leg yesterday afternoon has now come back because while volunteering (I was supposed to be at the TNT tent but got moved to the finish line), I was w/ a group of people that wanted to tell others what to do and literally not help. LITERALLY. I am moving huge and heavy boxes of bananas, oranges, powerade, lunabars, ect., and literally like these 3-4 other people are standing around talking or saying, "why don't you go down there and ask for some blue powerades?", instead of just helping me unload the red ones or asking themselves. No, they were not Team Leaders trying to bounce from place to place to organize and make sure stuff got done and designating tasks to people....they were volunteers. Just like me. Green access pass. First time being there. UGH. Seriously, if you're going to Volunteer, especially for something like this with thousands of runners, do your part. Anyways, my freaking legs hurt bad again and I am typing this with ice packs on them.

Now a new dilemma comes in. Recommitment. Mine is scheduled for 3/3. For some, it is a no brainer, "Of course you recommit!," well......I'm not sure I can and not just because of my legs. The main reason is the fundraising. I like to think of myself as an achiever. Sometimes I'm an over-achiever, but I am *always* an achiever. Always. Which is why it bothered me so bad that those folks just stood around this morning. You sign up for a job and now you need to do it. Well, I signed up to raise money for cancer and train for a marathon, now I need to do it (well, I have been, but you know what I mean). The thing is, I am a full time student w/ no income. The only checks w/ my name on it come from financial aid and that is never guaranteed each term, varies from amount, and only comes every 6 months (if that) and has to last me as long as I can make it last. So, if I recommit and don't meet my goal in fundraising, I'm going to get charged for that  remaining amount. I can't afford that, literally. At most, I can afford what I have put back in savings for an emergency, but I don't want to do that if I don't have to because, well, like I said, it's for an emergency.

I was promised fundraising help by a lot of people, NONE of which have pulled through. When I started TNT, it was (is) in honor of my mom's friend's father who found out he had lymphoma right before I joined. I got all this talk about helping (I've known her my whole life), and n-o-t-h-i-n-g. Again, you say you're going to do something, then do it. It really bothers me when people don't pull through on their word, so this ticks me off. I have raised about $1,300 on my fundraising page and have about $300 in cash/checks that need to be added and/or turned in; so around $1,600. That is still $1,100 to raise and in a shorter amount of time than I raised the $1,600. I can only shove cupcakes in so many people's faces before they don't want to buy them anymore. I can't plan an event ahead of time (say during next month) because my classes change every month and I don't know my schedule until right before....and then again, people bail on it. It doesn't help that my team is over an hour away from me, so with gas prices a billion dollars a gallon, it's even harder to get to them (or them to me) to help with something, not to mention the horrendous traffic. (There was/is a TNT team about 10 min from where I live, but I was told I couldn't join them for the event I wanted to do....................). It's such a mess. I love TNT and what it is for and I am all about beating cancer (all kinds), but I'm closer w/ TNT members that I've met on Twitter than I am with most people from my actual chapter. What was I thinking?

So, to recommit or not is the question and I have until Thursday evening to figure it out. Either way, I'm going to be stressed. Stressed about figuring out how to raise $1,100 more dollars or stressed that I failed people and let them down. I don't like to set myself up for failure and that is what I've done. I'm a firm believer in praying to God for a sign, and I have been about this every day. Well, either He hasn't given me the answer yet or I'm too blind to notice it.

I need a good run and can't even go do that.

Ugh. Stupid bones.

So, I have to be up in 2 hours to get ready to head over to Disney for the Princess 1/2. No, I'm not running it, but I am volunteering and will be working the TNT Tent from 3-11a.m. Seeing how I normally sleep from about 5am-12pm, this is going to be a loooong night/day. I got up at 9:30am Saturday and will most likely be awake until 1 or 2 on Sunday...or whenever I get home. Coffee will get me through...I hope.

Anyways, last weekend I did a 5k w/ my friend Lea. She just started walking/jogging and this was her first 5k so it was a big deal for her and I wanted to be there to motivate her and keep her from slacking off. Well, honestly, I figured I'd just walk the whole thing w/ her and didn't wrap/compress my legs. Instead, I did a lot of intervals; running ahead for 5 min and then running back to wherever she was then and then walking for a couple minutes. So, let's just say it has been a struggle for me to even WALK this week. For those of you that don't know, I suffered multiple stress fractures in late '06. I had 2 in my right tibia (one so bad it was almost completely broke through my bone), 2 left tibia, 1 left femur, and my left cuneiform bones were fractured. How did I do all of this? Bootcamp. Yep. The military. I joined the Navy and went to bootcamp. I'll try to make it quick, but I was a runner before I went there so I knew the physical aspect of it wouldn't bother me...so about 4 weeks in when I got horrible pains in my lower legs and they would swell after a day of marching around like a wackadoodle and my left foot was swollen too, I knew something wasn't right. So, I'd go to ship sick call or medical and all I'd ever hear was "It is just shin splints," and I'd be given an LLD chit (limited/light duty) and an Ice chit so I could ice them whenever we were in our "ship". Well, about a week before graduation, I decided to go to SSC again because I was still having pains and no improvement. Thank God a PT was also there that day and asked me to jump. When I couldn't jump, he immediately sent me to medical with paperwork ordering a bone scan (nothing ever showed on x-rays, obviously). The next morning I had a bone scan and I was covered in them. I was then sent away from my division, not graduating, and stuck in a sad and tiny place where they put "broken" recruits w/ injuries while healing or possibly being sent home. I did PT there for the next month before I decided I wouldn't be able to pass my running test in time before they sent me home anyways, so I just asked my doctor to let me go ahead and go.

I have not been the same since then. After months of being off my feet unless needed and therapy, I still would have to stop after walking around the mall/shopping because of the pains in my legs (mainly my right; much more severe). Well, last year I thought I had moved on! My bone pain was almost non-existent and so, I started to walk/run again. I could feel where I had the fractures but started wrapping/compressing my shins and felt a ton of relief....then I joined TNT. Still, fine....until the 5k with no wrap/compression. Literally, this past week (until this afternoon), I have struggled to even walk. I was having to walk in an abnormal fashion just to move faster than a snail. This morning my legs hurt even more (probably cause I walked around the princess expo Friday afternoon in flip flops-duhhh), and I went to breakfast and walmart with my mom and in walmart I just told her, "I can't do it! Gotta go home!'. I came home, took 1600mg of ibuprofen and iced both of my legs for 2 hours (rotating the ice pack every 15 minutes of course). After that, they finally started to feel normal.

I am still having pains tonight, not as severe as earlier this week, but still pain...and shooting pains...in my boooooooooones. If you've had bone pain, you know what I'm talking about and I'd rather my muscles hurt any day. What is worrying me now is that my TNT recommitment is next Thursday, 3/3, and I'm scared if I recommit and this pain continues or, Heaven forbid, increases, that I won't be able to actually run the race....not to mention I'm still freaking out about having to raise another $1,300. It's taken me forever to raise that and I, as a full time student w/ no income, can not afford to pay that out of my pocket. So....what do I do?? I've been praying but I still feel very conflicted. I fell as if I will be letting SOOO many people down if I don't recommit, not to mention myself. But, if I recommit and I push through and get injured (more), I'll pay for it forever (and I really want to do Maui in Sept and Nike in Oct!!!!).

Ugh. I just don't know what to do. :-/

Well, ok then...

Oh, some of you already know I tried to start a blog to keep track of my training and fundraising. Well, that didn't last. I had good intentions for it, I really did, but as much as I love running and being a part of all of this, I just couldn't write about it everyday and felt bad about it. So, I decided to just start my own personal blog where I can write about whatever I feel like...including running and fundraising. Ok, if you're going to follow me, awesome! But let me tell you some things first....I'm probably going to use bad words and if that offends you, then you don't have to follow me. Of course it won't be every other word, but it's going to happen. Next, I'm not on here to stir the pot and piss people off. I am here to empty my thoughts. If I vent on here, take it for just that: venting. I'm a pretty cool person (I like to think so anyways) so I hope you stick around...I'll probably be posting a lot of pictures of cupcakes and different crafts I'm working on and ask for your feedback and advice. I'll also probably post stuff about my fundraising too. So, get ready! I'm glad you're going to take this blogging adventure with me! :)

Xo,
Kb.